Kiss
Puke
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
