I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
