My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
