I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
