well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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