2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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