I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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