Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
