Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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