So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
