I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So vagazzling was a success
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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