And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
