I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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