I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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