You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
