Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
