im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
