looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
