I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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