Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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