dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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