I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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