Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Ladies don't puke and tell
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
