there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
