if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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