Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
