Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
