I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
