Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
