Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think my vagina is haunted
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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