Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
