I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I need moral support for this bender
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
