Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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