i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
