hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
