My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just want to make out with him forever
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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