I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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