stop calling my apartment porn island.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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