Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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