true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
