youre lurking in front of me
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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