Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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