I think im going to throw up on grandma
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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