I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
