i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
