I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
