You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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