I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
