I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
