I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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